I just finished listening to a talk on intuition by Asha, spiritual director of Ananda Palo Alto. It was everything I have come to know about my inner voice described in simple, beautiful terms. When I am confused about what to do, it isn’t that I am not receiving guidance, it is because I don’t like the answer I am receiving. I am afraid. I want the task before me to be different. My ego wants things to be easy and pleasurable, but my spirit ultimately wants freedom, unconditional joy, and perfect love. There isn’t one path to embracing these things, but many. Do I want to find freedom, love, and joy traveling the world alone or committing to being part of a community? If I cannot do it all in one life time, what can I commit to doing in this one? And what am I being asked to let go of in order to start moving in the right direction?
The idea of surrender is a frightening one. In many ways, it feels like the opposite of freedom. It feels like a mandate to silence my inner voice in order to conform to an outer authority or set of expectations. And sometimes, as I have discovered this past month, what feels like surrendering to the longings of my soul actually leads me into a deeper state of imprisonment. I can talk myself into believing that what I want is the most direct path to freedom, joy, and love, and only after making that choice do I realize I have fallen into another trap. I am coming to realize that the type of surrender that supports the growth of our soul is not a passive act. It is not curling up at the feet of something we believe is more powerful than we are and letting it do with us as it pleases. It is an act of faith in following an inner guidance that is simple and uplifting, though also often challenging and uncomfortable. And it takes a constant alertness to nuances in shifting course.
This past month, I surrendered to the draw I have felt for the past five months to this man I live. I did not know if I was motivated by wisdom or simple exhaustion of will, but what felt right was to step towards my fear of all the ways things could go wrong. I felt strong enough to accept whatever came of it – embarrassment, broken-hearts, one of us having to leave, feeling stifled by desire – his or mine – or even choosing romance over my spiritual practices, as I did with my marriage. What I got was freedom from my fantasy, and the experience of letting the energy between us flow freely and run its course. And where that experience took me within a handful of days, once all the desires were fulfilled, was back to that familiar place of self-doubt, confusion, and disorientation that arises every time I try to make myself fit with someone who is not right for me. Luckily, because I am surrounded by a strong energetic vibration, it took just a week of renewed commitment to 45 minutes of meditation twice a day, and a visit to our energy healer, to be willing to confront the truth and begin to shift our relationship away from a romantic partnership.
I have also been asked to surrender more deeply to my spiritual path. In early May, I bought a plane ticket to Dehli to join a pilgrimage to all the significant places in Yogananda’s early life, as well as an insurance policy so I could cancel my trip for any reason. I wanted the freedom to let my intuition guide me without feeling pressured by logistics. Less than two weeks before the deadline for final payment, deep in a kirtan of devotional singing and longing for freedom from my longings, Yogananda called me to his homeland. A week later, I had spent the majority of my remaining savings by fully booking the trip. Many times since then I have cursed that decision – when financial anxiety has struck, when I get afraid of disease and pollution, when I just wanted to curl up with my new romance – but I chose to trust that call from an inner guide who has proven to be consistently gentle, wise, and loving.
Finally, the past month also included a significant financial crisis at our center. After five years of taking on debt in start-up mode, we are facing low season and the necessity of becoming more financially stable. The vagueness of initial discussions triggered intense anxiety for me. I do not feel ready to leave this safe, simple, inward life for a job in the world and my savings have been invested in the pilgrimage. I had been considering taking discipleship vows, but was uncomfortable with the pledge to follow the guidance of not just the guru, but this community as a channel for his work. The summer was not without a fair amount of drama – conflicts with leadership, interns leaving disillusioned, suspicion, criticism, and low morale. Is this really my spiritual path and my community? Could I devote myself to its vision, no matter how imperfectly it is played out? If this place no longer offers a caccoon, perhaps I am better off continuing my search out in the world.
Sometimes what is in our best interest – what takes us towards freedom, joy, and love – is a challenge greater than what we are able to rally ourselves to face fully. In these moments, instead of surrendering to what is easy and pleasant, I am increasingly opting for simply moving in the right direction, as small a movement as that may be. So far, this man’s commitment to our friendship is staving off the worst of my fears and inviting me to interact with him in each moment in the way that feels most honest and loving to me. I have no clearer idea of where we are going than I ever have, but because I am listening to my inner knowing, I feel the welcome relief of freedom. I am going to India for the month of October, surrendering to whatever the experience has to offer me, trusting that what it brings will be for my greatest good. And I am delaying my discipleship vows until I feel an authentic willingness to commit. I will return from this pilgrimage either feeling closer to Yogananda and this community, or feeling a continuing sense of doubt which I will respect. It is only my fear that wants to hurry into a neat and tidy life. My spirit knows these things take time. And when I relax into that, I feel an upwelling of willingness to do whatever it takes to sustain whatever people and places I love most deeply.
I actively choose to surrender with faith to my inner voice, the one I have found has all the wisdom and love I need when I have the courage to follow it. Sometimes it asks me to trust those around me and stand by my decisions. Sometimes it asks me to challenge what they ask of me and change my course. I believe that this is what it means to devote oneself to anything. There is no right way to surrender except to my deepest self, and no one who has my best interests at heart will expect anything more.
Nancy
LOVE!